This color looks and feels very much like 'not taking any bullshit'. Like you just want to get down to business and have the 'real deal'. Get the real, raw information of what you're really working with and what's really going on. You don't need things to be sugar-coated in any way and you're looking for the pure functional and operational, in terms of what physical reality purely consist of. No feelings and emotions are needed. You're ready to get hands-on and real and practical and cut through the bullshit. You don't want things to be any more than what they need to be. Which is kind of cool.

But within that, there's also an anger towards things that you do consider to be 'bullshit'. An anger and an annoyance at basically not understanding why people tend to indulge in things that don't matter and why people can't just be practical and keep things simple. You've never been that way so it's been kind of hard for you to really grasp why people choose to be like that. If things were more simple then there'd also be more of a freedom. A freedom to express yourself. Cause you wouldn't need to worry about 'social rules' , as just all the ways that people tend to make things complicated. If things were more simple, there'd be more of a trust, because nothing would be any more than what it seems. And you just want that freedom and that trust for yourself. The knowing that you can express who you are and that you don't have to worry about considering or taking into account things that aren't actually part of simple, practical, physical reality. 

So have a look at these words: 'freedom' and 'trust'. Look at how and why do you feel you are not free. What's all the thoughts and the experiences in you that are causing you to feel trapped, hindered or held back in your ability to express yourself? Or, what are the reasons why you feel like you can't really trust your reality? These are things that exist within you as points wherein you hold yourself back, and so points that are worth looking into. So that you can support yourself to learn to express yourself. So that there's also no longer an annoyance and anger towards people. You just need some understanding of this particular programming within you, so that you can start to truly embody this amazing life expression that exists in and as you. The life expression of 'no bullshit!', of valuing only what matters, and of standing one and equal with the purely real and practical reality of the physical.

This color feels very 'free'. The kind of freedom that you're looking for, and that you feel does not and cannot exist in this world. A freedom of being absolutely you and not compromising yourself in any way. Not having to doubt yourself in any way. Not having to think and not having to listen to or consider what somebody else thinks. It seems that in this world you can't ever truly be yourself without running into some obstacle at some point. Without having to compromise your expression somehow. 

So it's interesting because this color is showing how this expression of freedom already exists within you. It is already who you are. It's just been 'imprisoned' in your mind within all sorts of beliefs related to why this world would apparently not accept such freedom of expression, and why you thus cannot be who you really are. When really it's you stopping yourself inside your own mind, with your own thoughts. So it's you who can also set yourself free. If you can stop the doubt. If you can take responsibility for the freedom within you and realize that you'll always only experience as much freedom as you grant yourself. So it'd be interesting to look into how you might be 'choosing' to not allow yourself the freedom to express yourself. How you prefer to be restricted. And how you've even convinced yourself that you do express yourself freely, and created a personality out of it. But it's in a way a compensation, not a real freedom. It's more a feeling and a belief in your mind. Whereas, the real you is not defined within a thought. You have to find the ways you've turned this 'freedom of expression' into a personality. You want to basically understand how your mind works, in terms of taking a real expression of you and turning it into a personality, where you're not actually living this expression, but more just telling yourself that you are, while suppressing all the ways in which you've actually 'cornered' yourself in. 

So it's to just start becoming aware of how you really feel inside, underneath the things you believe about yourself, and start cultivating an awareness of how your mind works. There are tools if you haven't started already, like DIP Lite, DIP Pro, that teach you the basics of self-investigation. Because, there is in a way still a 'veil' there that's keeping you from seeing what's reality going on inside you. That's keeping you from seeing for example these things that these colors are showing you. So if this particular color doesn't quite make sense at this time, don't worry about it. It's cause it's what's on the deeper layers of yourself, and it's something that you will be assisting and supporting yourself to see for yourself through using the tools. 

This is a color of kind of wanting to keep things the same. Not really wanting to change or necessarily dig or look into things. It's a point of 'stagnation', and of 'comfortability'. Of 'I'd rather just keep things the way they are now so that I don't need to face or go through anything uncomfortable'. So, this is just indicating that there are specific points within you that you are in fear of. Things you believe are 'bad' and so something you wouldn't want to see. Things you'd rather protect yourself from by just making sure that you don't really scratch the surface of yourself.

So the thing is, that it's important to understand that there is nothing within you in fact that is in any way 'bad'. It's more a sort of sabotaging mechanism that the mind uses to make sure that you do not venture into self-investigation. It's a layer to 'scare you off' so you'll never know who you really are. And so you're in a way fooled into believing that to not investigate yourself is to be 'comfortable'. When really, you're actually stuck in fear of yourself, which is not what comfort really is or should be. Real comfort isn't to 'be protected from fear'. It is to be able to relax, knowing that there is nothing to fear in the first place.

So this color is just showing to be aware of this 'illusion' within you. Whenever you see a resistance come up to looking deeper into yourself, to realize that it's not real. It's this illusion of your mind making you believe that whatever you may find if you look deeper is going to be 'bad'. When, you'll actually find that it's the reverse. It'll be more like a 'coming home', and something quite supportive. And, a first thing to investigate might be this point of believing you'll find something 'bad' if you were to look inside. What is it that you believe might be so bad? What is it in other words that you might be judging about yourself? And where is the judgment coming from? It's important to investigate and question all things, so you can get to what is real. And judgment isn't real. It is again a mechanism of the mind to somehow sabotage your understanding of yourself. So I'd say, start assisting and supporting yourself with writing to start looking into how you feel and to start opening up and see more of yourself than you're currently aware of. So you can transcend this resistance and this false comfortability that actually just cause you to stagnate, and never be truly comfortable and free. And so you can see and realize that there is so much more to who you are that is yet to be understood.

This is the part of you that you don't know yet, and haven't gotten to know yet. The part of you that's real and that holds the essence of you. But it's somewhat 'buried' under what you're going through currently. Or rather, it's actually part of and infused into what you're going through. The part of it that is genuine . Because, no matter what we go through, it always comes from ourselves. It's just been translated through the mind and so we lose sight of our core self and become more overwhelmed by thoughts, feelings and emotions.

So what would be your core self in what you're going through right now? What this color is showing is a sense of 'fearlessness'. A confidence, an assuredness. And that has gotten a little lost. Where, you start doubting yourself and becoming unsure of yourself. That self-assuredness is something you haven't really allowed yourself to live. That real, full trust in yourself. And it's in a way the doubt that's making you feel like 'giving up on life'. Because, within the doubt, you're not allowing yourself to live. So I'd suggest to have a look and investigate your tendency to 'doubt yourself', and how much that is actually holding you back from being yourself. Look at why you feel like you need this doubt and who you are in and as it. Meaning, do some writing to understand the experience of doubt inside yourself, in terms of how you're living it, why you go into it, what memories are attached to it. It will support you with understanding what you're going through and what you may need to change to get back to who you really are. To get back to a trust of yourself and an allowing of yourself to live.

Where is your care for yourself? Your gentleness with yourself and unconditional support of yourself? You cannot be allowing anything inside you that is not those things. Or rather, if there does exist anything within you that compromises those things, then you should be questioning it, knowing this isn't you. 

This is a very 'intense' color. It is the 'expression that actually wants to come out'. The expression that needs to be nurtured instead of the experience you're nurturing right now. Nurture as in give attention to and spend time creating. The expression this color represents is a form of 'intelligence'. An 'embracing intelligence'. Intelligence as in a trust that everything will be alright because everything is you. A knowing that you are everything, you are life, so whatever you're going through right now, you will get through it, you will find a way, you'll find solutions and you'll find your way back to yourself. It is just a matter of time, and giving yourself the proper support. This 'intelligence' is the knowing of who you really are, and that if there is anything that you are stuck in right now, it just means you've lost yourself for a moment. But it's only for a moment. You will realize yourself from this and there will come a moment where everything will become clear and you'll see that none of what you're going through now is actually real.

So you want to get to those points of certainty, of knowing, within you. That you'll make it through this, that at the end of the day you are not defined by anything, and that you are everything so you will find a way through what you're going through. You may not see it right now but there is simply no way that you don't have the ability to get there. 

This is the color of 'lighten up'. Or rather of, things aren't necessarily as bad as you're perceiving them to be right now. Look for the little things that you can enjoy in life. Find the small enjoyments. Maybe it's the first cup of coffee or tea in the morning. Maybe it's just the feel of the air on your skin. Enjoyment in life is something you have to create. You have to choose to enjoy certain things. Choose to, in moments, rather than sitting in your mind thinking, look at what there is in the moment that you can enjoy. Connect with your physical reality. With your physical body and sensations. Enjoyment can be in the simplest things. Just breathing can be a point of enjoyment. It's not some great experience or thing. It needs to be found in what is already here. 

Even if what is here feels like it's all negative and unpleasant. That's just your mind perceiving reality that way. And I know it's hard to see things any differently, and you don't need to. It's just about finding those moments of connecting with your physical body and with physical reality, as moments of finding what you can enjoy about what is here. Cause enjoyment exists in the physical. It does not exist in the mind.

In a way enjoyment also exists in embracing the experience of you. Accepting and embracing what you are going through, because that's your way to get to the physical. If you stop fighting what's going on inside you and just embrace it. Then you can start focusing on your physical body. So have a look at what your experience is exactly. Try to define what you're actually in, so that you can embrace it. Enjoyment is not a moving away from the 'negative' and from what you're really going through. It's something that comes from fully embracing all that is here. Fully embracing all of 'you' and being here with you. Not shying away from or resisting the negative and the unpleasant, and not looking for something positive. But simply being real with what is here. And you'll see that through embracing what is here, the experience won't have such power over you anymore.

 

An unexpected change. A change of yourself that's 'suddenly there' unexpectedly. Cause the 'expected' is always your 'familiar programming'. Your usual day-to-day experience of yourself. But suddenly something 'breaks through'. A 'new you'. A new perspective and experience. This is that 'break-through' that's sitting there inside you, sort of waiting to break through. Waiting and waiting and waiting. It wants to come up and come out and break through, and it can, there is just something that's 'hindering' it. A falling back into the 'familiar programming'. A sort of 'giving up' on yourself, because you're thinking and believing that 'ah, a breakthrough will never happen'.

So it's fascinating that it's exactly that thinking pattern that's standing in the way of the break through. A continuous sort of diminishing and pulling/pushing down of yourself. Just when you're going or getting somewhere, you pull yourself back thinking 'nope, change is not for me' and so prevent the change from happening. And so you keep moving in this back and forth. Moving forward and pulling back, moving forward and pulling back, just before you get to the 'break through' and the change.

So have a look into this 'holding back' pattern wherein you're sabotaging your process of change. Just this thinking pattern that change is never going to happen for you, because it is an accepted and allowed point of 'inferiority'. A point of having a 'low self-esteem' that's actually at this point just self-sabotage. So you can make sure that your efforts to change patterns aren't going to waste just cause you keep 'holding yourself down'. So maybe have a look at the past and how this pattern has caused you to more fall back into familiar patterns than moving forward into a breakthrough. It's like you reach a point in your process of trying to change something where suddenly your mind decides that you won't allow yourself to get past that point, because if you did then you'd have a break through and you'd change. So then it makes you give up on yourself and give up right before you reach the point of real change. 

And it's just a simple point of, believe a bit more in yourself. Have a bit more faith and trust in yourself that you're able to create the change you're trying to create. Especially when it starts looking like things are tough. That's actually when you know you're almost at the breakthrough, and that's when you need to believe in yourself, that you know what you're doing and that you're going to change no matter what. It has to be a decision, to choose change. To not let your mind choose who you are. You're deciding that you're not your familiar patterns, but that you're gonna be a 'new you', and that you're going to support yourself to be and become and develop this new you in whatever way you can, until it is done. That you'll get yourself to the breakthrough point, no matter what.

This is in a way an 'alarming' color. Meaning a point within you that needs immediate attention. Something that can't be ignored. It must be dealt with and directed. A point for you to take on at this time with the tools of self-change. And that point is the pattern described above.  It can't wait any longer. Your inner you is saying it's time to change this pattern, because it is 'hurting' you. It's hurting your potential, your 'purpose', your life and your existence. There's no more time to mess around with this 'game' you've been playing with yourself, with your self-esteem. Time for Anton to make a decision. Or rather, perhaps time to recognize the IMPORTANCE and the relevance of changing this pattern. To no longer think that it doesn't really matter, or think that you and your process doesn't really matter. So the 'alarming' point here is for you to see your own importance. 

This is sort of the color of 'being ok with diminishment'. Being ok with not changing. Which is just part of the design and so also just a point to forgive. The point of believing that 'it's ok to be diminished', and that it's ok to accept yourself as diminished. And that's a point you've carried with you throughout your life. The 'acceptance of yourself as inferior' and the embracing thereof. But it's important to understand that this 'acceptance' has been a coping mechanism. Something you did because it seemed your only option. Kind of along the spirit of 'if you can't fight them, join them'. And so it's become a part of you. So here it's important to understand this particular programming. To understand why you decided that it was best to accept and embrace yourself as inferior and diminished and what 'benefit' you felt this gave you. Because it's not actually serving you. But you felt like it did at some point, so you just need to 'reverse engineer' this decision and deprogram this belief in you that you are inferior. And realize that it is just a program. Something to prevent you from recognizing your importance and relevance and the relevance of your process.

Cause it's almost like a decision that you will never be anything more than the inferiority you believe yourself to be. You won't even consider it. So therefore obviously, anytime you reach a point of 'change', your response is to draw back, cause it's just not part of who you've decided you are. If there is a point within you that's hindering you from changing then it cannot be who you really are. So this inferiority is not who you really are. But it has become a 'comfort zone' for you. Sort of like, if you keep/hold yourself down, then you don't run the risk of 'falling'. So you can always be 'comfortable'. Always in a place that you know and are familiar with. But it does require you to give up on your potential, on who you could be. So this is kind of a comfort zone for you to give up, if you want to make change real. Even though you wouldn't necessarily want to give up on it. It's just not the real you. But, at the same time it is you, so it's not to force anything either. Just to stand one and equal with it and align it to what's best for you. Looking at what you can learn from it in the principle of investigate all things and keep what is good. Cause in a way it does capture a specific expression of your beingness and that's what you want to honor, but, let go of the parts that compromise you. And do ask if you need some more perspective on this.

 

What are you doing? Do you even know? In all the confusion within you it's hard to tell. And you also don't want to see, exactly what it is you're doing. It's a point of shame. Something you want to look down and away from. And want to avoid facing. And are kind of waiting for it to go away on its own. Cause it's a point that makes you uncomfortable. And in the meantime you're just kind of angry, ever so slightly, that it's not going away, and that it's something you have to deal with. So have a look at what might be bothering you in this way. What is a point within you that you're actually trying to avoid? Something that's 'nagging' at you. A feeling or an experience that there's just something there you're not really looking at, but you know you should. But you don't actually want to. 

So you want to get into the what, how and why of this point. And you want to find out why you're avoiding it. So grab a pen and paper, or your computer, and start opening this up. Can't have these kind of points just nagging at you in the background. Can't be accepting yourself to sort of live a half-life, always bent and burdened by whatever points inside you that you're reluctant to face and deal with. Or well, rather this point in particular at the moment. So it's to just bite the bullet and just uncover what is 'ailing' you. Use the tools, of writing and self-forgiveness to face your fears and face even the deepest fears in you that you believe you're not able to face. Face the though things, and trust that you'll still be here, even after you do. They only actually seem tough for as long as you avoid facing them. So I can't tell you what it is exactly, that's for you to find out. I'm just encouraging you to stop wasting time beating around the bush, allowing points to go on and exist within you just because you're afraid to look at them. Need to show yourself some tough love honey, and be real with what you're afraid to look at within yourself.

What a lovely color. There's so many layers and depths to this color. Like it's unable to be defined. It's a very 'dynamic' color. Always on the move and changing form. Yet, seems like to avoid something. Like dancing and flowing around something. Always changing form and shape to never directly face or see something. A very intricate and well-trained dance for the sole purpose of avoiding something. So, just another color to show you this particular tendency you have of avoiding something at all cost. And even a personality design you've developed because you want to avoid something inside yourself. A little bit of a disingenuous trait, towards yourself. Cause at the end of the day you're the only one you're lying to. And with 'lying' I mean just not allowing yourself to see the reality of yourself - what's really there inside you, in terms of specific fears especially. You've become very good and cunning at it.

At playing games with yourself, and giving yourself the runaround, just so you wouldn't at some point come to stand face to face with the things you've decided you'll never face. Things about yourself you've buried and walled up and have created blind spots of. So, I mean, you can continue like that, also not being aware that you're doing it. Or you can, again, choose to do something about it. It's really just a matter of self-honesty. In terms of whether you're ready and willing to stop playing around and start owning up to yourself. It's a simple choice. One that you'll have to make at some point. And it's the toughest thing you'll ever do. It'll be painful, it'll be kicking and screaming. It'll be seeing things that you don't want to see, and tears and crying, and regret and shame. All that good stuff. It'll be the very thing you've been avoiding lol. Yet, in the back of your mind have been aware that this is something you need to do. That you can really only do the avoidance dance for so long. There comes a point where you must face the inevitable. A point where things 'catch up to you' and it's impossible to continue avoiding. 

Now I don't want to scare you. It's just the long-avoided truth of this existence. That things will catch up to us, and everything we've accepted and allowed will need to be faced and dealt with. So, better sooner than later. It's only about as scary as you think it is. You got this! So again, paper and pen, or computer. If you do decide that it's time, to get a little more real. You can always ask for more color readings for support as well, if you'd so choose. Just saying, there is support. Or check out the other practitioners on Space of Grace. Might be someone there that resonates with you that can help guide you through the tooth points of yourself. Someone to help open things up, but in a gentle way, so that you wouldn't feel too scared. Joe Kou is really good at that. So again just saying, if you ever need or wanted some support, it's there. You don't necessarily have to go through it alone. It's a tough process but it doesn't have to be more difficult than necessary. But yeah at the end of the day the choice is yours whether you want to walk it.

 

This looks like the point you're afraid of facing inside yourself. It's a mix between insecurity, uncertainty, doubt, anxiety, anguish, pain and regret. It's something that when you look at it, you just want to look away. Cause it 'pains' you to look at it in a way. Pain in more ways than one, emotionally speaking. It's something that 'hurts' you to even look at or consider. Something from your past that's left a mark on you. Like an emotional signature that you carry around with you always. And in a way it's understandable that you don't want to look at it. Cause it feels 'traumatic'. Emotionally traumatizing. So that response to trauma is normal. But the thing is that the more we suppress and avoid facing the trauma inside ourselves, the harder it is to actually look at it, work with it, and release it. We need to work hard at it, to make that happen. And you need to be willing to do the work. To face the 'trauma' , and do the forgiveness. Taking yourself by the hand to give yourself the support to deal with this stuff within you in the way you always should have. Because frankly, avoidance and suppression is not the right answer. 

The right answer is to go straight through the hell you're seeing. To go through the pain and embrace it, but also find a way to let it go. To assist and support yourself, through understanding and insight and realizations, which you will find in and through your writing, to see and realize that the pain is not really what it always seemed to be. The pain is more an illusion of the mind that you haven't yet pierced through. Something you're not being honest about with yourself, because you haven't been wanting to look at it. So you want to understand these experiences inside you. You want to use your writing to understand the experiences of insecurity, uncertainty, anxiety, doubt, and especially pain and regret. There's a great deal of that there, so you want to start opening that up. Yes they're unpleasant but they're screaming inside you to be seen and recognized. For you to get over this avoidance point and start getting more acquainted with yourself, through using the tools of writing and self-forgiveness. It's not that hard, just takes a little push in the right direction. So you're just gonna have to push yourself a little bit, to jumpstart yourself in your process of uncovering and getting to know who you are. 

You just need a hand from yourself to show you the way into the parts of you that matter. The parts of you that are hurting and need attention. That need some nourishing gentle guidance. And you have to give it to yourself. There's no other way around it. Getting hands on here, and fleshing out what needs to be fleshed out. It will be difficult to look at it and walk it, but if you focus on facing the shame, facing the definition(s) of yourself and accepting the dark side of yourself the process will move much faster. So don't waste any more time on avoidance, and ask for guidance with anything that is a bit confusing to you at the moment. Cause there'll be a bit of confusion about all this. But the key is to have a starting point. To for instance start with looking at your experiences. The emotional experiences that are a bit more tough to look at. That you're afraid to look at. It's that fear that would be what you can look at first.

 

Giving up on life. There's this sense of 'what's the point?' within you. A disheartening thought that life is pointless anyways. And that there's really nothing to get excited or enthusiastic or psyched about. It's a sense of depression. But it's something that's more hidden within you. Something you wouldn't easily admit to yourself or others. So it's a 'secret' thing within you. Something your normal honesty won't necessarily let you see. After all, it's not exactly a 'nice' thing to admit to yourself, that this exists within you. But, if you're REALLY honest with yourself, you may find that, yes, this is how you do genuinely feel on a real level. Just sort of depressed in a way. But even beyond depressed. To the place where there is no more care left, and there's just nothing left. You just don't care about anything anymore. 

So it's just something you'll have to first be honest about, that you feel this way on some level. No more pretending. Face it first with yourself. Get real with and about it. Don't fear it or shun it. It's not the real you. It's just what needs to be done. It needs to be faced. It's the unpleasant stuff inside of you that has to be reckoned with. Cause it's there so you gotta be aware of this stuff. It's also something that's hard to admit to, because of the world's stigma around 'depression', as something generally perceived that you have to hide or can't be open about.  That it's something 'bad' or that 'shouldn't exist'. That you shouldn't experience or go through. Rather than just being real about what's here and what's really going on so that you can look at it and be here for yourself with what you're going through. How else are you going to find solutions? Things have a tendency to escalate and get worse just cause we hide them and pretend they're not there. So you want to be as honest as possible about anything that is really there, in terms of how you're really experiencing yourself inside. Don't shy away from anything, and don't think or assume that anything is not supposed to be felt or experienced. You're ALREADY experiencing it, so all you need to do now is just be honest about it. 

That's the real grace. The grace of life, when you tell yourself that it's Ok to feel what you feel. And it's Ok to be how you are. Even when it's tough, and even when you're not feeling 'happy' or 'joyful' or anything positive at all. It's Ok. You're allowed to exist, and you don't need to hide yourself. Hiding only creates more hurt and 'makes an elephant out of a mouse'. It makes things weigh heavier than they actually are. You want to just see things for what they are. And then you can forgive, and help yourself to realize that it was never the real you. It was just your mind, playing tricks on you. Making you believe that you are this experience, that you are 'tired of life' or even 'not interested in life'. When in fact, the opposite is true. But that's something you need to find out for yourself.

This is the color of creation in a way. Of having the ability to 'create'. But right now this ability is suppressed under the previous color, that sort of lack of lust for life. It's extremely subdued. It's like you have all this potential to create - all this amazing potential - but it's all just covered up by this thick blanket of 'pointlessness'. Which in itself is such an illusion, this belief that everything and that life is pointless. I mean, why should there be a 'point' to life to begin with? Why should life have a 'point'? Who ever said that? Life is about living, and that's it. That's the point to life: living. So maybe you should ask yourself: am I even living? If you're looking for a point... 

Maybe the point is right here already. And maybe your looking for it makes it hard to see. It may be an unpopular opinion and may strike you as odd. But maybe you need to get real with yourself and in particular with this point. And stop fooling yourself with this hiding that deep down you actually don't see any point in life. And just be real with yourself that this is how you actually, genuinely feel. Because it'll catch up to you if you don't. And you don't want it to compromise your life, any more than it is now. You want to find a way to support yourself with sort of 'finding your spark of life'. Because it's a bit lost at the moment. You want to basically understand why you are the way you are, and why you feel the way you feel. Trying to ignite a spark without that understanding first is not going to work. You need to first stand one and equal with the programming. Get to know it. And yourself as it. Do your process of writing and self-forgiveness in relation to this point, cause that's going to support you the most. 

Learn to give yourself the gift of creation again, by firstly getting through this 'depression' point. This hidden, secret point of almost having given up on life entirely. Really about time you uprooted and unearthed this point cause it's gone on for long enough. Time to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and go 'alright, what can I do to turn this around?' Don't just accept anything in your mind for what it appears to be. You're creative. You can decide who you are.

This is the color of 'being angry that you're not allowing yourself to create' lol. Of knowing your potential and what you're able to do and express, but just not allowing yourself to go there and tap into that potential because of 'emotional shit'. Because of the depression point for instance. So it's like an anger with yourself that you've accepted and allowed that depression point within you to make a difference to who you are and make you abandon your creative potential. Because a part of you knows it's not really who you are. That it's just an emotion. Just a 'mind construct' that in and of itself doesn't actually mean anything. But you allowed yourself to believe in it and believe it to be real. So there's just some anger around that. Some 'deep' anger, that you have yet to uncover and realize. But, this color coming up is certainly showing that you are ready to start realizing this point. And ready to start moving this point, in terms of moving through some of the waters of your mind, and 'un-anchor' or 'un-cover' some of the more hidden areas of yourself.

To get to that place where you can find yourself again, and let go of the things that don't serve you. Get to the place where you realize that you can just do that - just decide who you are, rather than having these experiences decide for you. So get on your process. Self-forgiveness will help you tremendously. Start supporting yourself with getting to know yourself better, and stop wasting this potential. You don't want to wait around forever, because you simply don't have forever. So get started now, and get yourself out of this anger. Or rather get yourself to firstly actually SEE the anger. And ask for support if you need it.

 

An opening up of the passion of life, like a flower that is blooming. An exploration of what passion means. And almost a flood of meaning that comes up. A flood of new experiences, potentials and opportunities. Something very exciting and very new in terms of your experience of yourself. So it's an enriching of yourself in a lot of ways that weren't 'possible' before.  And an 'opening' of a lot of doors of expression that didn't seem within your reach beforehand. In terms of what else 'passion' brings forth with it. Like, passion brings with it things like maturity and abundance and depth, and so many things that are yet undefined. So it would be a cool journey or project to try and define those words and sort of 'unpack' the extent or depths of 'passion' as it exists within you.

And define the petals of that flower, so you can help it grow and become you. Cause right now you're sort of in the stage of developing the stem. And you're pushing towards that flower. But there's something blocking you or getting in your way from reaching that 'top' of breaking through into that flower. And that is a sort of undefinedness. The undefined petals. So it would help a lot to sit down with yourself and have a look at how you want to define passion and how you want to live it. To get that 'grey area' out of the way that's right now causing that block. So you'd feel a little more 'purposeful' and aimful in this process of living passion. Less searching and feeling in the dark, and more directing and working with and creating certainties. Taking charge in relation to this word, and you deciding what passion is, rather than being doubtful or uncertain or hesitant and wondering about what the 'right' way is to live passion.

Just needs a little more Garb in there. A little more you choosing things and deciding what you'd like things to be. Being the executive principle of Garb's world. Which you are for a large part, there's just some insecurities that are unnecessary. Points where you're not 'daring' to go entirely. Or where you believe you can't or shouldn't go. Something that's 'off limits'. Something you don't have the power or authority to define or get to know or open up. Like it's 'above your pay grade', and there's just a big 'OFF LIMITS' sign stopping you from getting close to it. So you're also not really expanding in your living of passion because it would require you to go passed the off limits sign. Break through boundaries and limitations you've accepted as automatic and natural. Because what is passion but this breaking through and wildly crossing boundaries, and a sort of neglect or disregard of beliefs and ideas about what's right and wrong and how things 'should be', to 'follow your heart'. Abandoning your 'reason', and taking 'risks' and going places just because you know you need to, to expand yourself, and explore what more there is to you.

So it's just a little bit of an addition to consider to what you're already walking. Something to look into. How or where you may be limiting yourself in your living of the word passion because you're afraid of going certain places and breaking certain boundaries cause they're connected to beliefs about what's right and wrong. And so considering that living passion is also about pushing past those fears and pushing past your definitions of yourself based on those fears. Going where you never thought you could go, just to see who you would be. So, just a dimension to consider :) 

 

In this color it's like you're slightly annoyed with yourself. Annoyed within the sense of thinking 'why couldn't I be/speak/express myself better?!' Annoyed because you couldn't express yourself the way that you wanted to when it came down to it in the moments that you should have expressed yourself. And you're also defeated about apparently 'not being able to' do something that seems so simple as just expressing yourself in moments when it counts. So annoyed and defeated, because you 'couldn't just be you'. Because such a simple point, as just being and expressing yourself, that you have the hardest time with. It just doesn't seem to make much sense. How can something that is so basic and simple be such an issue for you? It's like you're not even a person. What is wrong with you???

That's the thing. Nothing is wrong with you. You just think there is, and that's what's wrong with you lol. This tendency to get annoyed and upset at yourself, and go into these kind of thoughts, that there's 'something wrong with you', or that you 'should be able to do this or that'. It's these sort of expectations that you have of yourself and that you place over yourself. Where you don't let yourself be, but more think that you need to be a certain way. You don't accept yourself and so obviously that makes it very hard to let yourself be. It makes it hard to forgive your insecurities and all the reasons inside you as to why you tend to not express yourself in moments. You put too much pressure on yourself and you're very unforgiving with yourself.

It's like you're already setting yourself up to 'screw up' , to 'makes mistakes' and to not do things 'the right way', because you don't allow yourself to make mistakes, and to learn about yourself through those 'mistakes'. You just jump on yourself with all sorts of harshness and expectations, and judgments for not living up to those expectations. And you don't leave yourself room to breathe and relax and be yourself. It's more this sort of militant belief of 'this is who I need to be!', and you're very inflexible in that. So you gotta learn to loosen up a bit towards yourself. Not be so hard/harsh/militant. Cause it's not supporting you. In fact it's making the 'problem' worse. You need to learn to be gentle with yourself. Learn to be caring and sensitive and soft with yourself. Learn not to hate yourself. Because any progress or growth or learning will never happen when you 'rule with an iron fist'. Have to be nurturing and caring and make space for that plant to grow.

So see yourself as that plant. Or a flower. A plant or a flower that still needs to grow, and that hasn't had much space to grow and develop in its life. And learn to give yourself all the things you honestly need to grow into that plant or bloom into that flower. Because you need a lot of gentleness, support, care and sensitivity. And it's time you admitted that to yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

'Making a big deal out of nothing'. Or, being 'alarmed' about nothing. Thinking that something is a huge problem when it's actually not. In terms of not daring to speak, not knowing what to say and not feeling confident. It's a bigger problem in your mind than it actually is. And your mind likes making it a bigger problem, so that you'd keep reacting to it. So that you'd keep thinking 'oh no, I didn't speak again!'. Or, 'why did I not know what to say?!', or 'why can't I be more confident?!'. And keep falling back into cycles of feeling disappointed and defeated and giving up on yourself. Keep going back into emotions and keep feeding your emotional mind. Where your mind basically uses those moments where you 1. Dare not speak, 2. Don't know what to say, and 3. Aren't confident, as opportunities to 'fuel itself'. 

So maybe drop the belief that this is a really big problem in your life. And rather embrace the problem itself. And accept this 'problem' as you. To no longer struggle against it, or even wish that it was different. To more work on your acceptance of yourself, by for instance accepting these patterns that you keep reacting to. To learn to embrace and accept, instead of thinking that it's 'wrong' to feel this way, so that you can start understanding yourself more and can start working with yourself rather than against yourself. 

So be careful of these reactions, where you react to yourself for going into certain patterns, and then end up making it just more difficult for yourself to effectively be able to change yourself. Because you're more being impatient and reactive with yourself, than gentle, caring and nurturing. And place things into perspective, instead of jumping on the judgment bandwagon. Like realizing that this particular pattern is not actually such a big deal. Yeah so you have issues expressing yourself, just give yourself some time and you'll figure it out. No big deal. Things are only as big of a problem as you make them in your mind. So maybe instead of continuously bumping into this 'issue', start focusing more on letting go and accepting and embracing, and relaxing and taking it easy on yourself. Allowing yourself to be, however you are, and knowing that there's nothing wrong with that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the color of 'not being bothered or disturbed by anything'. Of 'serenity'. As though your insides is a pool. A calm, quiet pool of water that's untouched and unstirred. Just an eternal silence, with nothing happening. It's that point of self-acceptance. Of not seeing anything wrong with who and how you are. Not seeing anything wrong with how you express or experience yourself. Just being 'at peace' with yourself. And how can you be at peace with yourself? By just letting go of your beliefs that you're supposed to be a certain way. That you're supposed to be or feel confident. You're supposed to have things to say and you're supposed to be able to say them at the right times. It's to drop all of that because it's just beliefs. It's not real. You're not actually 'supposed to' be and do any of those things. It's ok to be who you are now, you know. You don't have to be and become something different first before you can be at peace with yourself.

Maybe it's your understanding of what the word confidence means that more needs to be looked at. What do you think confidence means? Is it some idea or picture in your mind that you have of yourself, of how you think and believe you should be and should act and express yourself and speak? An image that you compare yourself with, to keep finding that you're just 'not confident', just because you're not that image? What would confidence be if it wasn't an image? Perhaps it would be more to just be you. Whoever that 'you' is. Perhaps confidence is to be Ok with yourself just the way you are. To not put pressure on yourself to be anything different. Because when you see confident people, what is it about them that makes them confident? It's not the things they say or how they say it. It's that they are comfortable enough with themselves to allow themselves to say and express themselves any way they feel like. So, you need to get comfortable with yourself first. You need to stop doing all the things that make you feel uncomfortable inside. That is, your judgments of yourself, the comparison with others and with images of yourself in your mind, and the disappointment in yourself that you're not living up to those images, and your constant dissatisfaction with yourself.

If you can let that go, then you'll be confident. So don't worry about whether or not you're saying the right things, or saying what you should be saying, or expressing yourself in just the right moments. Worry about who you are

 gentle and loving and kind with yourself. Whether you're accepting yourself the way you are, and are content with yourself. Whether who you are inside is that silent, deep pool of water, unstirred and unrippling with any emotions or thoughts of you. And your breath is the only thing that's moving. Like that slow rythm that reminds you of the real you that exists in the physical. Reminding you that the real you is not as conflicted as how you generally experience yourself. The real you is more 'peaceful' and relaxed and doesn't care so much that things are 'right' or 'as they should be'. That would be more your mind trying to get reactions out of you. So don't let it. You need to take responsibility for who you are and what you accept and allow in relation to and towards yourself, in your own mind. Because you matter and you should realize that you matter and start to treat yourself like you matter, because you don't do that enough.