Giving up on life. There's this sense of 'what's the point?' within you. A disheartening thought that life is pointless anyways. And that there's really nothing to get excited or enthusiastic or psyched about. It's a sense of depression. But it's something that's more hidden within you. Something you wouldn't easily admit to yourself or others. So it's a 'secret' thing within you. Something your normal honesty won't necessarily let you see. After all, it's not exactly a 'nice' thing to admit to yourself, that this exists within you. But, if you're REALLY honest with yourself, you may find that, yes, this is how you do genuinely feel on a real level. Just sort of depressed in a way. But even beyond depressed. To the place where there is no more care left, and there's just nothing left. You just don't care about anything anymore. 

So it's just something you'll have to first be honest about, that you feel this way on some level. No more pretending. Face it first with yourself. Get real with and about it. Don't fear it or shun it. It's not the real you. It's just what needs to be done. It needs to be faced. It's the unpleasant stuff inside of you that has to be reckoned with. Cause it's there so you gotta be aware of this stuff. It's also something that's hard to admit to, because of the world's stigma around 'depression', as something generally perceived that you have to hide or can't be open about.  That it's something 'bad' or that 'shouldn't exist'. That you shouldn't experience or go through. Rather than just being real about what's here and what's really going on so that you can look at it and be here for yourself with what you're going through. How else are you going to find solutions? Things have a tendency to escalate and get worse just cause we hide them and pretend they're not there. So you want to be as honest as possible about anything that is really there, in terms of how you're really experiencing yourself inside. Don't shy away from anything, and don't think or assume that anything is not supposed to be felt or experienced. You're ALREADY experiencing it, so all you need to do now is just be honest about it. 

That's the real grace. The grace of life, when you tell yourself that it's Ok to feel what you feel. And it's Ok to be how you are. Even when it's tough, and even when you're not feeling 'happy' or 'joyful' or anything positive at all. It's Ok. You're allowed to exist, and you don't need to hide yourself. Hiding only creates more hurt and 'makes an elephant out of a mouse'. It makes things weigh heavier than they actually are. You want to just see things for what they are. And then you can forgive, and help yourself to realize that it was never the real you. It was just your mind, playing tricks on you. Making you believe that you are this experience, that you are 'tired of life' or even 'not interested in life'. When in fact, the opposite is true. But that's something you need to find out for yourself.

This is the color of creation in a way. Of having the ability to 'create'. But right now this ability is suppressed under the previous color, that sort of lack of lust for life. It's extremely subdued. It's like you have all this potential to create - all this amazing potential - but it's all just covered up by this thick blanket of 'pointlessness'. Which in itself is such an illusion, this belief that everything and that life is pointless. I mean, why should there be a 'point' to life to begin with? Why should life have a 'point'? Who ever said that? Life is about living, and that's it. That's the point to life: living. So maybe you should ask yourself: am I even living? If you're looking for a point... 

Maybe the point is right here already. And maybe your looking for it makes it hard to see. It may be an unpopular opinion and may strike you as odd. But maybe you need to get real with yourself and in particular with this point. And stop fooling yourself with this hiding that deep down you actually don't see any point in life. And just be real with yourself that this is how you actually, genuinely feel. Because it'll catch up to you if you don't. And you don't want it to compromise your life, any more than it is now. You want to find a way to support yourself with sort of 'finding your spark of life'. Because it's a bit lost at the moment. You want to basically understand why you are the way you are, and why you feel the way you feel. Trying to ignite a spark without that understanding first is not going to work. You need to first stand one and equal with the programming. Get to know it. And yourself as it. Do your process of writing and self-forgiveness in relation to this point, cause that's going to support you the most. 

Learn to give yourself the gift of creation again, by firstly getting through this 'depression' point. This hidden, secret point of almost having given up on life entirely. Really about time you uprooted and unearthed this point cause it's gone on for long enough. Time to pick yourself up by your bootstraps and go 'alright, what can I do to turn this around?' Don't just accept anything in your mind for what it appears to be. You're creative. You can decide who you are.

This is the color of 'being angry that you're not allowing yourself to create' lol. Of knowing your potential and what you're able to do and express, but just not allowing yourself to go there and tap into that potential because of 'emotional shit'. Because of the depression point for instance. So it's like an anger with yourself that you've accepted and allowed that depression point within you to make a difference to who you are and make you abandon your creative potential. Because a part of you knows it's not really who you are. That it's just an emotion. Just a 'mind construct' that in and of itself doesn't actually mean anything. But you allowed yourself to believe in it and believe it to be real. So there's just some anger around that. Some 'deep' anger, that you have yet to uncover and realize. But, this color coming up is certainly showing that you are ready to start realizing this point. And ready to start moving this point, in terms of moving through some of the waters of your mind, and 'un-anchor' or 'un-cover' some of the more hidden areas of yourself.

To get to that place where you can find yourself again, and let go of the things that don't serve you. Get to the place where you realize that you can just do that - just decide who you are, rather than having these experiences decide for you. So get on your process. Self-forgiveness will help you tremendously. Start supporting yourself with getting to know yourself better, and stop wasting this potential. You don't want to wait around forever, because you simply don't have forever. So get started now, and get yourself out of this anger. Or rather get yourself to firstly actually SEE the anger. And ask for support if you need it.