In this color it's like you're slightly annoyed with yourself. Annoyed within the sense of thinking 'why couldn't I be/speak/express myself better?!' Annoyed because you couldn't express yourself the way that you wanted to when it came down to it in the moments that you should have expressed yourself. And you're also defeated about apparently 'not being able to' do something that seems so simple as just expressing yourself in moments when it counts. So annoyed and defeated, because you 'couldn't just be you'. Because such a simple point, as just being and expressing yourself, that you have the hardest time with. It just doesn't seem to make much sense. How can something that is so basic and simple be such an issue for you? It's like you're not even a person. What is wrong with you???

That's the thing. Nothing is wrong with you. You just think there is, and that's what's wrong with you lol. This tendency to get annoyed and upset at yourself, and go into these kind of thoughts, that there's 'something wrong with you', or that you 'should be able to do this or that'. It's these sort of expectations that you have of yourself and that you place over yourself. Where you don't let yourself be, but more think that you need to be a certain way. You don't accept yourself and so obviously that makes it very hard to let yourself be. It makes it hard to forgive your insecurities and all the reasons inside you as to why you tend to not express yourself in moments. You put too much pressure on yourself and you're very unforgiving with yourself.

It's like you're already setting yourself up to 'screw up' , to 'makes mistakes' and to not do things 'the right way', because you don't allow yourself to make mistakes, and to learn about yourself through those 'mistakes'. You just jump on yourself with all sorts of harshness and expectations, and judgments for not living up to those expectations. And you don't leave yourself room to breathe and relax and be yourself. It's more this sort of militant belief of 'this is who I need to be!', and you're very inflexible in that. So you gotta learn to loosen up a bit towards yourself. Not be so hard/harsh/militant. Cause it's not supporting you. In fact it's making the 'problem' worse. You need to learn to be gentle with yourself. Learn to be caring and sensitive and soft with yourself. Learn not to hate yourself. Because any progress or growth or learning will never happen when you 'rule with an iron fist'. Have to be nurturing and caring and make space for that plant to grow.

So see yourself as that plant. Or a flower. A plant or a flower that still needs to grow, and that hasn't had much space to grow and develop in its life. And learn to give yourself all the things you honestly need to grow into that plant or bloom into that flower. Because you need a lot of gentleness, support, care and sensitivity. And it's time you admitted that to yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

'Making a big deal out of nothing'. Or, being 'alarmed' about nothing. Thinking that something is a huge problem when it's actually not. In terms of not daring to speak, not knowing what to say and not feeling confident. It's a bigger problem in your mind than it actually is. And your mind likes making it a bigger problem, so that you'd keep reacting to it. So that you'd keep thinking 'oh no, I didn't speak again!'. Or, 'why did I not know what to say?!', or 'why can't I be more confident?!'. And keep falling back into cycles of feeling disappointed and defeated and giving up on yourself. Keep going back into emotions and keep feeding your emotional mind. Where your mind basically uses those moments where you 1. Dare not speak, 2. Don't know what to say, and 3. Aren't confident, as opportunities to 'fuel itself'. 

So maybe drop the belief that this is a really big problem in your life. And rather embrace the problem itself. And accept this 'problem' as you. To no longer struggle against it, or even wish that it was different. To more work on your acceptance of yourself, by for instance accepting these patterns that you keep reacting to. To learn to embrace and accept, instead of thinking that it's 'wrong' to feel this way, so that you can start understanding yourself more and can start working with yourself rather than against yourself. 

So be careful of these reactions, where you react to yourself for going into certain patterns, and then end up making it just more difficult for yourself to effectively be able to change yourself. Because you're more being impatient and reactive with yourself, than gentle, caring and nurturing. And place things into perspective, instead of jumping on the judgment bandwagon. Like realizing that this particular pattern is not actually such a big deal. Yeah so you have issues expressing yourself, just give yourself some time and you'll figure it out. No big deal. Things are only as big of a problem as you make them in your mind. So maybe instead of continuously bumping into this 'issue', start focusing more on letting go and accepting and embracing, and relaxing and taking it easy on yourself. Allowing yourself to be, however you are, and knowing that there's nothing wrong with that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the color of 'not being bothered or disturbed by anything'. Of 'serenity'. As though your insides is a pool. A calm, quiet pool of water that's untouched and unstirred. Just an eternal silence, with nothing happening. It's that point of self-acceptance. Of not seeing anything wrong with who and how you are. Not seeing anything wrong with how you express or experience yourself. Just being 'at peace' with yourself. And how can you be at peace with yourself? By just letting go of your beliefs that you're supposed to be a certain way. That you're supposed to be or feel confident. You're supposed to have things to say and you're supposed to be able to say them at the right times. It's to drop all of that because it's just beliefs. It's not real. You're not actually 'supposed to' be and do any of those things. It's ok to be who you are now, you know. You don't have to be and become something different first before you can be at peace with yourself.

Maybe it's your understanding of what the word confidence means that more needs to be looked at. What do you think confidence means? Is it some idea or picture in your mind that you have of yourself, of how you think and believe you should be and should act and express yourself and speak? An image that you compare yourself with, to keep finding that you're just 'not confident', just because you're not that image? What would confidence be if it wasn't an image? Perhaps it would be more to just be you. Whoever that 'you' is. Perhaps confidence is to be Ok with yourself just the way you are. To not put pressure on yourself to be anything different. Because when you see confident people, what is it about them that makes them confident? It's not the things they say or how they say it. It's that they are comfortable enough with themselves to allow themselves to say and express themselves any way they feel like. So, you need to get comfortable with yourself first. You need to stop doing all the things that make you feel uncomfortable inside. That is, your judgments of yourself, the comparison with others and with images of yourself in your mind, and the disappointment in yourself that you're not living up to those images, and your constant dissatisfaction with yourself.

If you can let that go, then you'll be confident. So don't worry about whether or not you're saying the right things, or saying what you should be saying, or expressing yourself in just the right moments. Worry about who you are

 gentle and loving and kind with yourself. Whether you're accepting yourself the way you are, and are content with yourself. Whether who you are inside is that silent, deep pool of water, unstirred and unrippling with any emotions or thoughts of you. And your breath is the only thing that's moving. Like that slow rythm that reminds you of the real you that exists in the physical. Reminding you that the real you is not as conflicted as how you generally experience yourself. The real you is more 'peaceful' and relaxed and doesn't care so much that things are 'right' or 'as they should be'. That would be more your mind trying to get reactions out of you. So don't let it. You need to take responsibility for who you are and what you accept and allow in relation to and towards yourself, in your own mind. Because you matter and you should realize that you matter and start to treat yourself like you matter, because you don't do that enough.