So this point is buried deep beneath the sea so to speak. Somewhere in a chest on the sea-floor where nobody will ever find it. Because you believe that's where it should remain and exist. It's sort of the 'reality of you when it comes to sex'. A reality you've always found 'unpleasant'. One you've never been able to accept. I mean it's even beyond 'not accepting'. It's a chastising, a stigmatizing, a denying, a downright absolute and resolute separation from this 'thing' that you perceive is your sexuality. As if it's this monster, a monstrosity, guilty of a horrible crime, to be locked away forever and for good and never to be seen or heard of again.

As if this one thing, this one expression, is the sole culprit and deviant and criminal that's messed everything up and now you have to remedy and mend everything by, as afore mentioned, locking it away and throwing away the key. This is not a way of living, however! It's the way of your living though. You've lived this way. So firmly believing in this 'self-chastising' as a way of life. 

You're amazing. You're wonderful. But it's something you interestingly enough don't accept. It's something that needs to be pointed out to you. That there's nothing wrong with you lol. That you're quite alright and there's really no reason for you to suppress yourself at all. So this color is showing this weird attitude and relationship you have with yourself, wherein you're adamant that there must be something wrong with you, and you don't wish to see yourself as just 'good', as 'normal' and 'fine'. It's like it's just so hard to wrap your head around there not being anything about you for you to judge or beat yourself up about. In your mind you're like 'THERE MUST BE SOMETHING', so it's hard for you to 'accept yourself' because of this belief.

So really you just need to find a way to accept yourself. To especially accept those parts/aspects/expressions of you that tend to seem 'wrong' to you, and to reject the idea that there's really anything at all about you that needs to be shunned or in any way treated or be seen in a bad/negative light. There must be no judgments existent within you. No 'feeling bad' about yourself too. Only honoring yourself. Only seeing 'good' in yourself so to speak, and being gentle with yourself. And 'lick your wounds'. Wipe away any assumptions you've ever had that you're in any way wrong, forgiving yourself for ever having had such harmful thoughts towards yourself.

So this color is showing you your paranoia, or the sort of 'core paranoia' that sits in your mind, in terms of the belief in you being wrong. And yes, it seems to be related to sex with you. Like sex is somehow this thing where you believe you've done a lot wrong. Something that'll haunt you forever. But really, again, it's that you haven't forgiven yourself.

But it's strange because you also don't want me to talk about any of this. This color is very much saying, "this is my secret and my secret is sacred and you shall not cross this line behind which my secret exists". So I can only read very select dimensions of this color as much of it reads "restricted". And also in a way saying, "if you want help, you have to open up", and "you can't expect anything if you're not willing to give(=open up)."  In a way giving is receiving with this color. The more you open up and give and let go and release the boundaries of the 'secret', the clearer the solution will become. Cause right now it's sort of an 'ego-point', as in something you don't really want to let go of, hence the 'secrecy'. You want answers but at the same time you don't want to be open about the question. So the ego is attempting to control the outcome. You cannot change a point that you keep hidden.

So what's the shame/guilt/judgments 'anchoring' this point within you, because you feel you cannot be open about it? The openness is also not in relation to me or anyone else, but yourself. You want to be able to look at the point without feeling any shame or have any judgments.

 

This color came up  as this orange/yellow gradient with the orange color becoming a bit lighter towards the center. As you can tell it is a very ‘warm’ color. But not just that, there is a very specific expression in this color and that expression is ‘acceptance’, stillness, quiet. Everything being still, nothing moving.  An eternal peace and quiet. Being absolutely settled within yourself, at peace, accepting, absolutely certain about your ‘destiny’ and the course that you’re on. The yellow center representing the ‘sun’ that you are to yourself, nurturing yourself like the sun nurtures life. Being your own point of reference, affirmation, confidence, decision and direction. This is a seed that is busy growing and solidifying  inside you, to become the/a sun onto yourself. Your own person. For the first time in your life not looking towards others, not being influenced by others, when it comes to you and your thoughts and what goes on inside of you – and thoroughly enjoying that space where you don’t have to answer to anyone. Where no one can question your confidence or your motives and you have no one telling you you’re wrong or right. You make the rules and you decide everything about who you are and what your destiny is.

But within this, there is sort of an ‘enemy’. Your insecurities. Especially the ones that are more hidden. They’re the ones that are sort of undermining you, because they come from deep within you in places that are still a bit ‘blurry’ to you. The hidden places of the past and the things not understood about it. They’re the things that still ‘creep up on you’ and ‘catch you off guard’.  The things that are still able to rock your stability. They’re a bit of a blind spot in you, and therefore have power over you. And I see that standing between you and this seed/expression you’re busy cultivating.  The things within yourself you’re not familiar with and therefore come up as ‘insecurities’. The things you’re also in a way neglecting to look at, because you’re a bit too busy focusing on the ‘creation-point’ of and as this sun as you. There’s currently not an equal attention given to  the process of also looking at who you were and have been, and still actually are. There is a bit of an ‘over-eagerness’ to step right into the creation point that you can see so clearly as your potential, and a bit of an ignoring or a neglect of what is actually going on.

Seems like this is somewhat stimulated by your personality of being an ’athlete’, wherein you are in a way set up to just ‘go for it’, barreling forward towards the ‘achievement’ and the obtainment  of the end-prize and the ultimate result of what the game is all about. You don’t waste time looking back or lingering over details or specific/fine stuff that in your eyes doesn’t really matter anyways. The athlete more ‘powers through’, skipping over and minimizing as much of the ‘small stuff’ as possible to get to the end faster, basically. And this can work for you, but in this case it is working against you a little bit, as you’re foregoing and moving too fast past things you ought to actually be looking at. Things that will support you to understand the insecurities better. Things like your past in general basically, and especially the events in your life that  would have been triggering to the insecurities, and that contributed to you creating a personality of insecurity within you.

 You're getting a little bit ahead of yourself with your creation process with this point. So it's to just temper your pace just a little bit so you can take everything into consideration, so that you know you haven't missed anything, so that there's no holes, no points taken for granted. Cause this insecurity point is the only thing that's standing in your way. And it's been your point of frustration -something that keeps 'weakening' you - cause it pops up seemingly out of nowhere.  And it's frustrating because it's like, this seed/expression is so close, it's right at your fingertips, and a part of you feels like you're already there and like you shouldn't have to look at any points. But, it's exactly because you don't want to, that it's something you should look at. 

So you need to have a look at, what's holding you back. What are these pesky insecurities gnawing at your feet? What's still got you by the balls in terms of fears and insecurity, and is still underhandedly undermining you, and where is it coming from? Cause this point isn't going to go away unless you're able to identify and pinpoint it. Because there's actually an interesting polarity, with a positive and a negative, going on within you - the insecurities being the negative. While the positive is this point of 'taking things for granted'. Or rather, you're sort of used to things being 'easy' for you that you don't tend to 'sweat the small stuff'. Like, you're very confident actually in terms of getting things done and 'performance'-wise, and that's just a dimension to look at because it's simultaneously contributing to this insecurity within you. That things are so easy for you but it cause you to take things for granted. It's kind of a subtle dimension but you know, it's what you need to look at here lol. And it's kind of tricky too cause it like hides the insecurity on another level so it's all actually a very interesting design. But that is what's coming up with this color/expression. That, even though it might all sound maybe a little bit confusing, you have to look at this. And that's all the access I seem to get to it personally. Looks like the rest is up to you ☺️. So but do let me know if you need any extra perspective on any of this and I'll be more than happy to help out. But I'm sure you'll know what to do with this information 🤗. Ok Lady, over and out!

 

This color is in a way a color showing you a very peculiar point present in you. A point where you are limiting yourself and holding yourself back, in relation to other people. A point of making yourself big, yet keeping yourself small. Of thinking you know everything yet knowing nothing at all. But mostly of wanting people to see you. Wanting people to see the real Dean. And you’re desperate for that ‘recognition’, for being seen by people. Almost like you’ve never ever been seen in your life at all, and now you are determined, and your mission is to GET people to notice DEAN. To make yourself BIG so that people can’t not see you. To become the biggest the world has ever seen. It is all that your mind is set upon, like a supercomputer constantly calculating and calibrating who you need to be and what you need to do to get FAMOUS – to finally be SEEN.

This color actually came up for me in relation to a point I've been struggling with. And it's actually eerily similar to a color I did quite a while back, in this blog post called 'The True Feminine'.  And this color, again, was related to 'the feminine'/the female and what it means to be female. This one is a more personal look, as it relates specifically to me and whatever issue I'm going through, but it seems also specific since it touches on points that are part of the 'female design', and stuff that's maybe relevant as well in terms of points that are opening up on a global level - as in females standing up and finding their strength. Anyway, enjoy the reading :)
 

 

 

 

This color brings up a pain or discomfort when I place it within me and 'breathe it in'. Like some old wound of something I've been allowing myself to suppress for a very long time, and that therefore also feels almost 'impossible' to not suppress and not keep locked away in whatever corner of myself I've locked this pain away in. It's the pain of self-honor, self-expression, self-respect, self-admiration and all other sort of self-loving type of expressions. The pain of that not having been part of my existence for a very long part of my life. The pain of never having allowed myself to access, live, experience these expressions. The pain of having created such a heavy lid to cover these expressions that they're sure to never see the light of day. Of never having allowed this part of me to 'breathe' and of having created so many excuses for why I 'cannot' and 'should not' live/embody them. The pain of feeling like this 'potential' part of me is gone forever. That even though I can see what it might be like to live it, I do not equally feel like there's a potential to really, truly, practically do so.

 So what this color triggers in me is a tendency and a movement of just wanting to hide away from it, to just turn my head and not even look at this point, cause it's too painful. Like I'm saying, "just give up on me, it's too late. Just look at all this stuff that's in the way of this expression's ability to shine through. All the stuff I've been programmed and indoctrinated with, all the cultural/religious programming, all the genetic and historical programming that's sitting there so comfortably inside myself calling the shots. No, even though I see that this is a potential of what the best way to live would be, it's impossible. The mess of what I've accepted and what I've called my 'self' for so long is too great." 

But at the same time, even though there's that dimension of resistance/reaction, to place this color inside me also floods me with a sort of strength. A warm strength. The strength of a female that's not a 'fighting' kind of strength, but more along the lines of a certain confidence. A confidence existent within just being female and accepting that. Accepting that 'yes I am a woman and yes that means that I am different from so many of the structures, belief systems, ways of being I've been brought up to fit into. Structures that I don't actually agree with. I don't agree with the structures of war, of economic inequality and of so many of the things in this world that bring about suffering. I am woman. I am female and therefore I am different from this world, or from what this world has become.'

There's a strength in embracing that. Embracing and realizing that all the 'programming' that's 'in the way' of my ability to honor/express/admire/love myself is not even me because it's things which I, at the core of me, don't even agree with. How can something I don't agree with be me? Perhaps I have just never defined for myself what it means to be a woman and so I've conformed to how this world defines womanhood or 'femininity' and 'females', which is very much NOT what it really is. I've never defined myself as a woman and allowed the world rather to 'fill in the blanks'. I've never filled in those blanks myself and so I've never decided on who I'm going to be and how I'm going to live in this world as a female. Standing equal in capacity to the world I was born into that has been telling me who I am and how I am to live and be as a 'female'. So, time to define: who am I? What DO I agree on and what am I OK with in terms of how to live, be and express? Time to stand as my own world, my own universe - one which I birth myself into and where I become my own 'educational principle'.

From that perspective, this color feels like a 'washing away' - like a tidal wave or a tsunami moving through me, washing away the 'old' to make place for the 'new'. Washing away that which I have not  deliberately, purposefully, decided is who I am. Clearing the slate for me to start questioning and answering to myself in relation to who I am. Clearing away the things I've been fighting within myself. things which I was fighting cause on the one hand I did not actually agree with them but on the other hand I believed it to be who I am. there's a 'starting over' in this color. A 'let me just take off all this stuff I have been, like I'm taking off a coat, and start from scratch with defining myself and 'coloring myself in'. 

And there's an assertiveness, in terms of standing in the leadership/authority role, of no longer just accepting anything. No longer giving my power away, to be defined/programmed. No more thinking that I'm just a child who cannot stand in that role herself. And within that there's a strictness, to remind me again that I must be the one to fill in the blanks of myself, because there's a world out there that will do it for me if I don't. And this then interestingly brings up again an experience of resistance, along with this belief of 'all of this is just outside of my capabilities. It sounds nice in theory but there's no way I can do this.' The sense of suppression and giving up, at the core of me, which this color seems to trigger/expose.

Which is one of those aspects  of what it means to be a 'woman' in this world actually. An 'absolute stuckness', born from the experience of: 'I've been the woe of man for so long, carrying the suffering, the burdens. I've been the one to carry it all for so long that I am just spent. Just leave me alone and don't expect anything from me anymore. I have no more energy for anything else. I'm just going to stick to the programming and keep carrying on like I have been, cause that is where my 'strength' exists, in keeping my head down, not asking questions and never changing. I figure that if I don't do anything that's outside of my programming, then I'm 'preserving energy'. Energy that I don't have for anything other than all of what I'm having to carry as a female in this world. So don't talk to me about change, I just don't have it in me.' It's the 'plight of the female' and why I as a female cannot change, apparently. But it's also why us females are the ones that have to change, cause we're the most stuck. We have more responsibility in a way, cause we allowed ourselves to become the most suppressed. But yes, there's a strong reluctance, due to how much I feel I've been abused, how much I feel I've had to endure and how empty, used up and 'existentially tired' I feel from all that I've gone through as a female throughout history.

 

You don't really want this color, cause this is going to show you what's really underneath all the pains which you've on a surface level been experiencing.  And why I say that you 'don't want this color', is because there's actually a conflict within you with yourself where you don't actually want to see reality. You're looking for solutions but you don't want to see what's really going on. You want the answers handed to you, but you don't want to look at the problems and figure things out yourself. So there is a disconnect with yourself, where you are basically making/living this statement that you don't actually care enough about yourself and that you will not give yourself attention. A statement of neglect of yourself. There is a sense of 'you do it for me! I don't want to be bothered with having to look at myself! I've been through enough. I've worked enough. I don't need to do anything anymore.' It's a refusal to put in any more effort, in a way as a result of cultural conditioning/programming.

The 'Chinese' culture of being worked to the bone, being used as a slave, and so you end up feeling like any additional 'work' that you have to do is just too much.  Like the 'work' of self-investigation and self-introspection. And in a way that makes you 'entitled', and angry. Angry in terms of 'having to deal with' things, things not being easy and not being handed to you on a golden platter. There is a sense of tiredness about things and an unwillingness to put any effort into for instance understanding things for yourself. It's like you've made a statement/decision that 'I'm not going to figure myself out. Somebody else must do this for me.' But you kind of miss the point of what 'support' actually is. Support is not 'somebody else will do it for you'. Support is, you do everything yourself, and there may be some perspectives others can offer you that could make things a bit easier for you. But there has to be that realization of responsibility for yourself, and there cannot be any excuse to not put in the work required to take on your own issues and change. 

Cause I can't give you all the answers. All I can offer is support. And support is always in the context of strengthening your ability to become the answers and to become the solution you've been looking for. To show you the tools or show you the way to be able to answer your own questions. Cause specifically the existential/emotional/mental pain is really your body and being's way of telling you that you need to 'pay attention!'  And the pain only intensifies as long as you are not giving yourself the proper attention. But YOU have to be the one. It has to come from you, the attention. You have to recognize your ability to get to the bottom of things and heal yourself. You have to start valuing yourself and putting in effort to get to know yourself. Start listening to your pain and start asking yourself what it might be showing you about yourself. Cause you won't so easily get away with just trying to get the answers elsewhere. It's not that easy. This is about your relationship with yourself. One you've been trying to avoid and get away from. One you never thought was important and one you thought you could neglect.

It's time to start getting real with yourself. Time to be ready to look at yourself, because even if I give you my perspectives and insights into your pains, it will be meaningless without you equally having a look. So let's then have a look at these issues you've been having. 

1. The rheumatoid arthritis: Has a lot to do with what I mentioned before, about being 'worked as a slave'. It is a generational/genetic programming of 'accepting oneself as over-worked'. Of 'living just to work' and 'giving up all of oneself for work'. Placing work before yourself, and so it is also related to the other point I mentioned about not giving yourself attention. Not seeing the importance in giving attention to who you are inside. So there is a high importance placed on 'working', not just in a practical sense, but in terms of your self-value and -purpose, as though 'all of you' is 'work' and it defines all of you. So I'd suggest to have a look at this point within you, of how much are you placing 'work' as more important than 'you', as well as using work as an excuse to 'not have the time' to pay attention to yourself. So this particular pain is about your inner relationship with 'work', and specifically how you use this relationship to sabotage your self-relationship and your ability to look inside.

2. Feeling pleasure from seeing other people's physical illness: So it is interesting that you have a relationship connection between 'pain' and 'pleasure'. This is not so much telling/showing you about 'who you are' in relation to other people or sexuality, but more about what is going on within you and this interesting relationship you have between pain and pleasure. Because your life/existence has been so much about pain, and it being part of your 'identity', your mind just uses sexuality/orgasm to generate and regenerate the energy required to exist within and as these systems like your 'identity'. So I would more look at the question: 'how has pain become something that's part of your identity?' And I'd have a look at how are you torturing yourself, deliberately making yourself hurt? How has this become a habit, to incite as much pain as you can inside yourself? And how/why are you seeing pain as a solution to things? 

Have a look at where you've learned this point, of resorting to pain/torture/punishment as a solution or response to situations. Because this is something you've learned as a childhood-response, copied from your environment, where pain was resorted to as a lack of knowing what else to do. A lack of understanding reality properly. And so it becomes part of the way parents/families raise their children, to program into their child that: 'if you don't know/understand something, you have to punish yourself'. And so you grow up learning that pain is normal or that pain is the natural response to things. So you want to just look into how you've created that relationship with pain as a result of childhood programming and how it's something you've learned from your environment. Cause this is not really 'who you are', it's just how you were raised.

3. Back pain and lower back pain: With back pain you want to look at backchat. Things/thoughts that go on in the back of your mind. A tendency to work things out/think in the back of your mind a lot. So have a look at 'chatter in the back of your mind'. Thoughts that you participate in, like internal conversations, in the background. And it looks specifically related to 'working out problems', trying to figure/work things out. So have a look at what goes on in the back of your mind, and how much thinking/internal conversations you are allowing to take place there, cause it's those internal conversations that will manifest a lot of the back pain you're experiencing. 

So this is the gist of the points you've been experiencing, and what you can start looking into and working on. I hope this gave you some perspective on yourself and your relationship with your pains.

This color is representing a 'pain in your self-relationship'. In terms of how you look at yourself and how you are with yourself. Somehow you've developed a lot of conflict there. So much conflict in fact, that it's pushing you to a point of almost giving up, because all you see is conflict. All you see is all the barriers and walls and sabotage-mechanisms that you need to work on and get through in your relationship with yourself so that you can finally work with yourself rather than against yourself.

And at the end of the day it makes you feel defeated within yourself, because it just looks like so much. So much to work through without even properly knowing how to. So you feel like you're just stuck with all this conflict inside you without knowing what to do with it. And the thing is, there's no quick fix for that. Yes, this is your mind. And you'll have to come to grips with that. Meaning that this is going to be your process, to walk through the challenge of all the self-sabotage and all the ways you go against yourself that you've developed throughout your life. So you need to look at all these points that you're facing and struggling with, like the belief that it's going to be very tough to 'face yourself', the belief that you must have done something very bad, that you have trouble connecting with reality and that you cannot forgive yourself. And realize these are all part of your general 'design'. It's not that you have done something unforgivable or 'bad', but more that you BELIEVE you have. It's not that you truly can't connect with reality, but more that you BELIEVE you can't. It's thoughts and beliefs, things you tell yourself in your mind which then create your reality.

So have a look at all of your 'programs'. Cause those are the ones you'll have to work with. What are all the thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself that cause you to feel sad, hopeless, powerless, inadequate, incapable and conflicted? Basically all the things you tell yourself that make you feel unable to do anything at all. You want to get to the backchat there, in terms of what is in your thoughts. Cause that is your 'programming'. The 'story' that you're living and telling yourself over and over again. 

But here you're working with multiple layers of thoughts and backchat. So you want to be able to see what's on the conscious, the subconscious and the unconscious layer. Which, again, is going to be a process. So don't be discouraged. Work with what you can see right now. Have a look at the emotions of "sad, hopeless, powerless, inadequate, incapable and conflicted" and write down what comes up in terms of what you think about yourself when you look at each of those words. Doing Mind Constructs in DIP Pro also supports, cause you get to see the deeper layers of where you developed these programs, which makes it easier to disengage them. So you could look into doing a mind construct on the topic of 'feeling stuck', which seems to be the programming you're dealing with here. 

And maybe instead of hammering down on trying to work on all this, try to invest more of your time in finding ways that lessen the conflict inside of you. Because that is ultimately the objective. So it's important for you to start becoming aware of when what you're doing to 'support yourself' is actually busy feeding into the conflict with yourself, to then take a step back and so something instead that supports you to release the inner turmoil a bit. And maybe that isn't self-forgiveness and writing. Maybe it's more relaxation techniques or more physical things that support you to focus more on your body than on your mind. So start exploring and finding out what actually supports you, because everybody's different and what works for one person might not necessarily apply to you just cause your mind is programmed differently. The key here is to be aware of your programming, which is inner conflict, and to find ways that work for you. Find ways to be 'kind' with yourself and make things easier for yourself. And try to pinpoint all the ways you notice you aren't being kind with yourself and are making things hard on yourself. It'll be a process to reverse this tendency because you are so used to being abusive towards yourself that it exists on many levels of yourself. So do realize that it will take time. So here as well, give yourself that space and time and patience. Don't put pressure on yourself. Understand that you're going to need time and your going to need patience and space. And you need to give that to yourself. 

Be careful also with comparing yourself with others and realize that you are working with different programming so your process will be different. So you can't expect things of yourself based on what others are doing or saying. You will need to start getting real with where you're at and what is going on within you and start focusing on you more. Because this comparison point is one example of how you make things hard on yourself and create inner conflict. So realize that your conflict is with yourself while most people's conflict is more with the world around them. So focus more on yourself, on nurturing your relationship with yourself and how you treat yourself. In a way that is where you have to 'prove' yourself, in terms of proving that you can change your abusive relationship with yourself into self-support. QCK sessions could also be of support, rather than color readings, in pinpointing the specific programming of self-abuse that you're working with. That's all for now. Please let me know if you're still struggling with anything and I will see if I can support. 

This color is showing sort of a 'pain'. But it's very deep, unspoken and unrecognized. Something you're just 'tolerating' and allowing to be there, accepting it as 'normal'. And this pain is the feeling that you're actually just not happy. You're not happy with anything. And there's nothing that could make you happy. It's almost like a grumpiness. A sort of deep inner grumpiness. Something that cannot be satisfied or made content. It's just always there, no matter what you do. Just always a feeling way in the back of your mind that whatever you're doing, it is not the happiness you're looking for, and you must do something different. Not that there is anything wrong with wanting to do something different, but you may want to have a look at this 'looking for happiness' point. Or rather the 'inner grumpiness' as a personality design. Because, it will tell you a lot about the things within you that are adding a lot of stress in your life. 

The point of 'not finding happiness' is something that in a way 'chases' you and does not allow you to settle and get comfortable inside yourself. So you want to really have a look into what this grumpiness personality consists of. What is the experience of it, where does it come from, what memories are connected with it? Who are you within and as it? Because, obviously it isn't the real you. It's more something you've developed somehow, at some point in your life, and have also come to suppress. So, time to now give it some attention, and give attention to perhaps parts of you that you haven't been entirely wanting to confront and that may make you a bit uncomfortable. It's about looking inward to find out why are you not happy and how/why have you been sabotaging yourself in this pursuit, and so take some of the stress off of the outward looking for it. And do reach out if you need some more support with digging deeper!