This color actually came up for me in relation to a point I've been struggling with. And it's actually eerily similar to a color I did quite a while back, in this blog post called 'The True Feminine'.  And this color, again, was related to 'the feminine'/the female and what it means to be female. This one is a more personal look, as it relates specifically to me and whatever issue I'm going through, but it seems also specific since it touches on points that are part of the 'female design', and stuff that's maybe relevant as well in terms of points that are opening up on a global level - as in females standing up and finding their strength. Anyway, enjoy the reading :)
 

 

 

 

This color brings up a pain or discomfort when I place it within me and 'breathe it in'. Like some old wound of something I've been allowing myself to suppress for a very long time, and that therefore also feels almost 'impossible' to not suppress and not keep locked away in whatever corner of myself I've locked this pain away in. It's the pain of self-honor, self-expression, self-respect, self-admiration and all other sort of self-loving type of expressions. The pain of that not having been part of my existence for a very long part of my life. The pain of never having allowed myself to access, live, experience these expressions. The pain of having created such a heavy lid to cover these expressions that they're sure to never see the light of day. Of never having allowed this part of me to 'breathe' and of having created so many excuses for why I 'cannot' and 'should not' live/embody them. The pain of feeling like this 'potential' part of me is gone forever. That even though I can see what it might be like to live it, I do not equally feel like there's a potential to really, truly, practically do so.

 So what this color triggers in me is a tendency and a movement of just wanting to hide away from it, to just turn my head and not even look at this point, cause it's too painful. Like I'm saying, "just give up on me, it's too late. Just look at all this stuff that's in the way of this expression's ability to shine through. All the stuff I've been programmed and indoctrinated with, all the cultural/religious programming, all the genetic and historical programming that's sitting there so comfortably inside myself calling the shots. No, even though I see that this is a potential of what the best way to live would be, it's impossible. The mess of what I've accepted and what I've called my 'self' for so long is too great." 

But at the same time, even though there's that dimension of resistance/reaction, to place this color inside me also floods me with a sort of strength. A warm strength. The strength of a female that's not a 'fighting' kind of strength, but more along the lines of a certain confidence. A confidence existent within just being female and accepting that. Accepting that 'yes I am a woman and yes that means that I am different from so many of the structures, belief systems, ways of being I've been brought up to fit into. Structures that I don't actually agree with. I don't agree with the structures of war, of economic inequality and of so many of the things in this world that bring about suffering. I am woman. I am female and therefore I am different from this world, or from what this world has become.'

There's a strength in embracing that. Embracing and realizing that all the 'programming' that's 'in the way' of my ability to honor/express/admire/love myself is not even me because it's things which I, at the core of me, don't even agree with. How can something I don't agree with be me? Perhaps I have just never defined for myself what it means to be a woman and so I've conformed to how this world defines womanhood or 'femininity' and 'females', which is very much NOT what it really is. I've never defined myself as a woman and allowed the world rather to 'fill in the blanks'. I've never filled in those blanks myself and so I've never decided on who I'm going to be and how I'm going to live in this world as a female. Standing equal in capacity to the world I was born into that has been telling me who I am and how I am to live and be as a 'female'. So, time to define: who am I? What DO I agree on and what am I OK with in terms of how to live, be and express? Time to stand as my own world, my own universe - one which I birth myself into and where I become my own 'educational principle'.

From that perspective, this color feels like a 'washing away' - like a tidal wave or a tsunami moving through me, washing away the 'old' to make place for the 'new'. Washing away that which I have not  deliberately, purposefully, decided is who I am. Clearing the slate for me to start questioning and answering to myself in relation to who I am. Clearing away the things I've been fighting within myself. things which I was fighting cause on the one hand I did not actually agree with them but on the other hand I believed it to be who I am. there's a 'starting over' in this color. A 'let me just take off all this stuff I have been, like I'm taking off a coat, and start from scratch with defining myself and 'coloring myself in'. 

And there's an assertiveness, in terms of standing in the leadership/authority role, of no longer just accepting anything. No longer giving my power away, to be defined/programmed. No more thinking that I'm just a child who cannot stand in that role herself. And within that there's a strictness, to remind me again that I must be the one to fill in the blanks of myself, because there's a world out there that will do it for me if I don't. And this then interestingly brings up again an experience of resistance, along with this belief of 'all of this is just outside of my capabilities. It sounds nice in theory but there's no way I can do this.' The sense of suppression and giving up, at the core of me, which this color seems to trigger/expose.

Which is one of those aspects  of what it means to be a 'woman' in this world actually. An 'absolute stuckness', born from the experience of: 'I've been the woe of man for so long, carrying the suffering, the burdens. I've been the one to carry it all for so long that I am just spent. Just leave me alone and don't expect anything from me anymore. I have no more energy for anything else. I'm just going to stick to the programming and keep carrying on like I have been, cause that is where my 'strength' exists, in keeping my head down, not asking questions and never changing. I figure that if I don't do anything that's outside of my programming, then I'm 'preserving energy'. Energy that I don't have for anything other than all of what I'm having to carry as a female in this world. So don't talk to me about change, I just don't have it in me.' It's the 'plight of the female' and why I as a female cannot change, apparently. But it's also why us females are the ones that have to change, cause we're the most stuck. We have more responsibility in a way, cause we allowed ourselves to become the most suppressed. But yes, there's a strong reluctance, due to how much I feel I've been abused, how much I feel I've had to endure and how empty, used up and 'existentially tired' I feel from all that I've gone through as a female throughout history.