Don't speak! Be silenced forever! This color is like tape over your mouth. The decision to never speak. To always be silenced, by yourself. Always holding yourself back. Refusing to ever say anything real. Or more like feeling like it's impossible to really say anything. Feeling as though there is this huge weight crushing you, making it impossible for you to say anything. Like there is just 'blank'. 'Nothing'. Even if you tried and even if you wanted to, there would be no words, no means and no way to say them. You're completely helpless and incapacitated when it comes to expressing yourself with words. You wouldn't even know where to start. It's like you can't even express the problem. There's just a huge 'blank' inside yourself. Like an empty space or a void. And you kind of know that there is a 'problem' there, but you're not able to put your finger on it, because you just don't seem to have the words to even attempt to describe to yourself what it might be. You just feel that there seems to be something 'missing' inside you. 

Some 'je-ne-sais-quoi'. Something indescribable yet at the same time something very substantial and real. You feel like you're missing some very real sense of 'life' within you. And if you could just get to it, and find a way to describe it and put it into words, then things would be different. Then maybe you will feel more 'alive', and really know what life is. But at the same time it feels so hopeless. Like you'll never get it. No matter how much effort you put into it. You just don't know what else to do. You feel like you're digging and digging and digging but just not finding what it is. What is it that your missing? Why do you feel so...'fake'? As though you're not really living. Not really alive. It's just an unshakable feeling. Something you've been dealing with for most of your life. To feel as though you're not really alive. it's quite an unsettling feeling.

And so what if you feel that way? That's all it is, it's just a feeling. Not like feelings are real. Feelings are about as real as we make them. If you believe it's real, then it's real, to you. Maybe you're every bit as real as me, or anyone or anything. You just FEEL like you're not. You've been duped by feelings. And thoughts, telling you that 'you just need to find the reason'. That if you just find out why, then you'll be able to feel more alive. Just keep looking and searching and digging. But what your thoughts don't tell you obviously is that 'hey this is just a feeling, it's not real. Just let it go'. Cause your thoughts want you to spend more time looking, searching, yet never finding. Your thoughts don't want you to realize that you're just 'here'. To realize who you really are as 'here'. They want you lost and confused and lacking and out of sorts within the mind. Thinking you still need to 'get to' the real you, rather than you simply realizing that you already are.

So just realize it. Stop searching. Stop digging. You're already here. You're already real. Just need to get out of the illusion of thinking that you're not. Cause it's got you by the balls. It's had you by the nose. And now you're all lost and confused, not knowing who you are. Because you listened to the mind and followed the mind's advice, and went 'ok if you say so...', and just believed everything the mind told you. Never stopped to wonder, 'hmmm, what if I can't actually trust the mind...'. 'What if I can't trust any of these experiences and thoughts within me that are telling me who I am and what I should do...'. I mean you've scratched the surface, yes. But haven't really yet gone into these deeper 'programmings'. The things that have really defined you throughout your life, and that have really sort of gotten into the core of you. The things you've really BELIEVED on a beingness level as 'who you ARE'. Those little voices in the back of your mind whispering these things like 'you're not actually real'. Or, 'you are missing something very important to be alive'. It's the more 'real shit'. I mean, it's not real actually, but it sure FEELS real.

So you just need to more see what's real. Which isn't anything 'special', but more just your ability to say NO and to say STOP to this bullshit of the mind. The real you is not anything you need to look for, but more something you need to 'assert'. To stand up and say 'I'm not listening to anything anymore! These thoughts don't decide who I am! I decide who I am! And I am HERE, I am ALIVE and I am LIFE itself!' But you do need to stand up, and get out of this funk that you're in. This sort of lifelessness of just letting the mind decide everything. Of accepting yourself to be lost and defeated and unable to decide anything for yourself. The mind has got you right where it wants you to be. So you just need to believe in yourself. You just need to realize your own voice. To stop silencing yourself, and stop doing the mind's bidding. That's not who you really are. You are a strong woman who doesn't take any bullshit. So just need to apply that to your own mind more. Kind of have a look in there and set things straight. Be strict and stern with your own mind and say 'what are you up to??!' Hold your own mind accountable, cause it shouldn't just be getting away with what it's doing. YOU have to be the directive principle and state when enough is enough. YOU have to break through the experiences that you've been allowing all this time. Cause the mind's not going to stop on its own. So get up, dust yourself off, and show the mind who's boss!