This color is a mix of depression, resentment and anger. There is a very strong 'push', like you're pushing everything away. Like a 'leave me alone!', because there is just so much resentment. Resentment as in, a hidden 'hurt' that is so deep and has been there for so long that all you feel at this point is 'nothing'. It's such a deeply anchored kind of anger, that it feels as though you 'feel nothing'. But the 'nothing' is more a suppression of any 'feeling' within you.

It's like how you'd feel after you've already tried to do something, or rather, tried to do everything you possibly could. After you've already gone through all the different attempts to get other people to hear you. You've gone through the storm of anger, because nobody was hearing you, and you just tried to get people to hear you. In a way you went 'crazy'. You went 'mad' with trying to do everything in your power to get through to people, only to find that nothing ever made any difference. 

And so you sort of slipped into this 'inner silence'. Like the silence after the storm. But it's not a real 'silence', it's more a 'giving up'. The storm is actually still there, on the inside. The hurt, the anger, it's still there within you, but you've 'given up' on the 'fighting'. You're just not going to try anymore.  You've accepted the belief that you're completely unable to do anything about any of the problems and issues you saw and tried to make people aware of.

And now in a way you feel so broken down that you almost feel like there's 'no life left in you'. There is no 'fight' left in you. You've gone into a complete depression within yourself. You just don't see any way out, any solutions. It's like you're sitting in a cement prison cell and everywhere you look there is just solid wall with absolutely zero chance of getting out. So, what else can you do but just 'give up'?

But maybe you've never considered that you just love to 'fight'. You love making things a struggle and you love making things difficult for yourself. And you've sort of gotten used to that feeling inside yourself of 'struggling'. Of things being hard and difficult. It's just an automatic part of you. Maybe the fight has always just been inside of you, within the BELIEF that 'life is a fight'. And you've always just been fighting yourself.

Life is not actually a 'fight'. You've just made it one. Because you WANTED a 'challenge'. You WANTED something to fight against. You wanted to be pushed and challenged, so that you could struggle and hurt and suffer, and through that, feel like you have 'lived'. Because in a way, 'life' was not enough for you. You wanted it to be something you could lose yourself in, full of 'ups and downs', trials and tribulations. Like one big videogame in a way. An 'adventure'.

Because 'life' itself is actually quite 'uneventful'. It's just 'here'. It's like the ocean. And any 'waves' or 'storms' that you're experiencing, is the ones you are creating. Because you want there to be 'more' going on. So, just learn to love the silence lol, as what life really is. Learn to be Ok with there not being anything 'going on'. With life being 'easy'. And just accept that you don't have to fight anything, you can just live, exist and breathe. 

And any 'fight' that you experience, is just you looking for a 'fight'. Looking to make life into something that it's not. And not just 'letting it be'. Letting yourself be. So if and when you're seeing this tendency come up, don't fight it. Just let it be. Stop fueling and feeding the conflict. Your beingness is as effortless as the ocean. It's the mind that makes you believe that 'who you are' is conflict and fighting. So just say to yourself, 'I am as effortless as the ocean' to remind yourself of who you really are, whenever the 'mind you' is coming up.

This color is sort of a continuation of the previous color, but with this one it's more the point of 'tiredness' coming through. Like, just being 'tired' of trying to change something, because nothing that you've done so far has worked so you're like 'ok well I'm done trying' and 'I give up. This isn't working anyways'. So you're just done struggling and trying and fighting to try and change something and have gone into a form of depression or giving up in relation to that point, thinking 'nothing I do matters anyways'.

So again here, you need to look at which point inside yourself are you more 'fighting'. Or which point are you trying to change, but you're actually busy fighting it? Cause fighting something is not 'changing' it. In fact change only happens when you first accept and embrace something as 'you'. 

So what are you not accepting within and about yourself? What point within you are you more trying to 'get rid of', where your starting point for wanting to change it is separation? And where you end up in this battle against yourself and then ultimately feel like change is impossible and then go into a form of 'giving up'. It's more just a point of self-acceptance. In terms of accepting certain things as they are. Doesn't mean you can't change them. But you have to accept first, that this is 'you' right now. And then you may be able to look for solutions and find effective ways to change. But the self-acceptance has to come first.

So it's a simple point really, just find the things within you that you're still busy 'fighting', and just 'accept' them. Just accept yourself. And 'change' will come more naturally, once you start accepting things about yourself. And remember that anytime that you see yourself struggling and fighting to change something, you are actually 'not wanting to' really change it. You're more just wanting to 'fight' and kind of keep that programming of things being a 'fight' and a 'struggle' inside of you going. Wherein you're then not allowing yourself to 'simply' change points, in a way that's more natural and simple and easy, through self-acceptance.

Cause the 'problem' now is that you've kind of decided that to change is something 'difficult'. Something that takes a lot of struggle. And so that's what you end up creating for yourself. Which is at the end of the day unnecessary and will just create unnecessary emotions and conflict inside yourself. So maybe when here's a point that you find yourself 'struggling' to change, first look at this pattern and tendency within yourself of creating or making things difficult for yourself through 'fighting', and forgive and release that point first. Because there is definitely something there as well, in terms of 'why' it is that you actually resist things being 'easy'. Something for you to open up and understand about yourself. 

This is the color of gold. Of something 'shimmering' like gold. But there's also a sort of 'annoyance' there. Like you're doing what's best for you, but you don't recognize that you are doing what is best for you.  That you are busy changing and transforming yourself and realizing your potential. And that you're doing all the things that will ensure that a 'new you' will be established. 

It's like you're still holding on to an 'old' perception and idea about yourself. An idea that you are 'no good' and that whatever you try to do, you'll fail at it. So you've got this point of 'hopelessness' and 'uselessness' within you when it comes to yourself. As though you believe that no matter what you do, at the end of the day it doesn't matter because you're 'hopeless' and 'useless' anyways and nothing you do ever amounts to anything. And that causes you to not actually see the progress that you are making and the change that is happening. 

And you may think that this point of not appreciating yourself isn't really an 'issue', and that you can still do all the things you need to do without appreciating yourself, but the truth is that self-appreciation is an integral part of self-change, and that without it, you won't be able to really change. Cause, you have to stand by yourself. You have to BE yourself. And who you are, is GOLD. And you have to be able to admit that to yourself. 

But you know that if you do, then that's it. You'll no longer be able to go back and hide in the shadows of the mind. You'll have to actually continue to stand, and continue to prove to yourself that who you really are is gold as life. And a part of you is afraid of falling again. Afraid of dishonoring yourself, and afraid of the shame you'd face if you did. So, you don't want to STAND, out of fear that you'd fall. Because you figure, you've fallen in the past, so why wouldn't you just fall again? And, you've fallen so badly you believed you'd never get back up again. 

But, there is self-forgiveness. And that is something that you never had before. A grace and a means of support to stand up. For those moments when you face the worst of you, to remember self-forgiveness. Remember that yes, hell is here, and you created it. And you will have to face that, and walk through what you have created. But even in hell, there is a way to still stand as who you really are, in honor of yourself, and not get consumed by the flames. A way to 'purify' hell, and correct what's been accepted and allowed. And that way is through self-forgiveness.