There's definitely an 'anger' in this color. An anger at having lived a life of suppression. A suppression which at this point has become something that you just sort of 'live with', as if this is 'as good as it gets'.  You've just made peace with the idea that you will never actually express yourself. But there is still anger about it, or like a 'resentment', because obviously at the end of the day this is not really what's best for you. But you've just 'settled' and you're not really 'pushing' yourself to sort of find out who you really are when it comes to 'self-expression'. It's a limitation you've decided to just 'accept'.

A point wherein you've kind of decided that 'you will not change'. That in a way you're not even going to bother. Cause in a way you feel 'comfortable' in it. After all it's easier to just suppress yourself and be angry about it than to stand up and do something about it. And it's easier to tell yourself all the reasons why you 'can't change' this point than to push and challenge yourself regardless.

Cause I mean yes, there's obviously a lot of reasons. Because in a way you've never known anything other than suppression, and it's existent on many levels. So it's like everywhere you look you kind of see a hopeless situation. And so you've even created a sort of 'positive' relationship with self-suppression, and made it part of just 'who you are'. Something you won't ever really question or challenge. Like, "express myself?? Me?!" 

You've managed to sort of build and develop your life without 'self-expression' and you feel like you've managed just fine without it. And you feel fine, you're doing good. You're happy. You don't necessarily want to 'stir the pot'. You're just fine not expressing yourself. It doesn't 'bother' you.

You've kind of learned to embrace the emotions that it creates inside you. Emotions of inferiority, conflict, friction, hate and resentment. They've become your 'best friends'. And 'this is your life now'. You're used to it. And it may be a sort of 'inferior experience', but you've made it work for you. There's a strong feeling of 'I am settled here' and 'this is me', and 'just leave me alone' lol.

But I mean, it's still 'inner conflict'. You still on some level know that this isn't the real you. You just have to get past your own resentment, which is your anger towards yourself, and your punishment of yourself. And realize that the anger is more just fear and disempowerment. And the deeper and more intense the anger, the more you actually just feel disempowered.

Just be real and realize that yes, when it comes to expressing yourself, you have issues and difficulties with that. And yes that can be scary sometimes, not knowing what to do with yourself. But that's where you have to support yourself, and be there for yourself. Be patient and understanding. And stop taking your anger out on yourself. That's not what you need. So start rather giving yourself what you need to start doing what is best for you, rather than accepting excuses and reasons why you 'can't. Cause there really is no excuse because you know you can do and be better. And you know you've been accepting a limited version of yourself. So just stop accepting it. Cause you're more than capable. You just keep selling yourself short. So just stop doing it lol. 

You know what to do, you just need to do it. And trust yourself, cause you're not incapable. In fact the more 'incapable', the more 'capable' you actually are. Cause it's all in reverse.