This color is very 'inquisitive'. An 'eagerness to learn'. An alertness and being 'wide awake'. It's a very genuine interest in exploring reality and also being 'wide open' to sort of give everything a go, without judgment. Where you also sort of see the reservations and beliefs and judgments that other people have about things, and you're like "yeah, I hear you. But I'm still just going to do what I want to do." Because at the end of the day you know that you learn so much more about reality when you are 'open' and willing to try things out and explore, than when you lock yourself into a particular way of living just cause you're too busy judging things.

So you're aware that you might sometimes be judged for the decisions you make in your life, by people who are too afraid to make those decisions cause they're afraid to challenge their own judgments. But at the end of the day you also have a respect for yourself for being 'wise' enough to not fall into the trap of 'judgments'. As in, the trap of believing that you 'know' reality, because you have all these judgments of things as being 'right' or 'wrong', while you actually don't know shit because you haven't 'gotten to know' any of it. You just keep things at a distance cause your judgment is just FEAR, and so you're really just being a coward, hiding in your castle and behind your walls - never really doing or daring to do anything, yet thinking you know everything.

So it's interesting because from an 'outsiders' perspective, people might have a tendency to believe that you 'don't know what you're doing', that you are 'misguided', or that you don't have your head on straight somehow. But if there is anybody who knows what they're doing, it's you. You're actually getting to know reality in a real, genuine way. Not just listening to judgments. That's the very definition of 'wisdom'.

BUT it's in a way also made you a bit 'bitter', always being 'judged' or rather feeling like you're always being judged, even though you see and know that those judgments are misguided. It still 'hurts'. And you wish that people would just understand and see you, and be more 'open' like you. And realize that judgment isn't necessary. That reality is actually quite simple and is nothing to be feared  or judged.

And then you've somehow taken that bitterness out on yourself. Sort of blaming and judging yourself and getting angry at yourself, because you feel 'hurt'. And because you know that people would never understand that hurt. So it's like you didn't know how else to 'deal with' or 'direct' the hurt and the anger for being judged, other than to just take it out on yourself. Because at the end of the day you believe that you should probably care about what people think of you. That, they're still your 'family' or your 'friends' so you should probably listen to them. Or rather, 'take things personally'. But then, when things become 'personal', you then also become lost in the judgments which you at some point so clearly saw were bullshit. Things become more 'murky' and 'muddy' and you don't see things so clearly anymore.

So then you end up just feeling conflicted about yourself and unable to trust yourself. Cause now this point of 'fear' has moved in of how your decisions and 'endeavors' may be judged. And with that, also a belief that maybe you've been doing it all 'wrong'. That maybe other people are 'right'. And there then having been effectively 'sucked into' the trap of judgments yourself as these beliefs in 'right' and 'wrong', instead of staying true to who you know you are and what you know to be real.

So now you're basically just having to find a way to establish that self-trust again. Or rather, find an appreciation again for who you are, and for how you see things and do things. Cause that's something that's sort of gotten lost in all this. And it'll be quite a process or project to sort of find yourself again, but just trust yourself and you'll figure it out ;)