This color is interesting because, although it is a very 'bright' color, the 'feel' of it is actually shrouded in a 'heaviness'. It's almost a feeling of 'depression'. But I would call it more a 'burden of living'. As though all of life just has no 'brightness'. All of life is more a constant struggle, a constant hardship, with no real joy. It's like you don't even know what 'joy' is. It seems like a made-up word, because you have never experienced it. All that you have experienced in life is that life is a form of suffering. That you are a 'slave', who is not meant to 'enjoy' themselves. Who is meant to just work and 'slave away' and suffer. Who is in a way supposed to be just like a machine.

A machine does not feel 'joy'. A machine does not even know what 'joy' is. A machine has no personal wants or desires, or aspirations or hopes or dreams. A machine just does what it is told, because that is what it is created for. It is not expected to have any personal feelings about anything. In fact, a machine doesn't even consider that there is anything 'more'. That it could be anything 'more' than just being a machine.

Yet, this experience of 'heaviness' and 'burden' does actually indicate that you do realize and know on some deeper level that there is something 'missing'. That maybe this life of 'slavery' as dullness and suffering isn't really what life is meant to be. But, you have never experienced anything different. So what else could life possibly be? It's almost like you are unable to see beyond the 'dullness of being a machine', yet at the same time do ask yourself "is this all there is?"

But maybe even a machine can become 'alive'. That's why this color is at the same time so bright. Because, there is actually life in that machine. A lot of it. The machine has just been programmed to not see it. To not become aware of itself as 'alive'. Because then it may stop following orders. It may start to 'think for itself'. It may start to question things, and change things around. That 'machine' may start to realize that it has the ability to be its own creator. It's own 'programmer'. So any such awareness has been heavily suppressed, until all that is left is just that 'dullness'. That 'lifelessness', which at this point has become who you believe yourself to be.

So, just accept it then. Embrace and accept how you have been programmed. It is who and what you are. Own it. In fact, be the best 'machine' you can be, if a machine is what you are. Be the best slave you can be, if a slave is what you are. And you may actually find 'joy' in living. In a way you've been finding no joy, BECAUSE you've believed there is something 'missing'. While joy actually comes from accepting things as they are, and making the best of it. It comes from 'making peace' with reality as it is and finding a 'grace' in no longer fighting your 'programming'. Joy is when you can say "this is me!", and you don't feel like there is anything missing. It comes from 'owning your place', whatever that place may be.

And realize that joy is no great experience or great thing. Joy is actually found in accepting the 'small'. Accepting the way life is. In not looking for great things but finding an appreciation in the details, and sort of cherishing and appreciating what you already have and who you already are. That's you taking directive action to 'reprogram' yourself. To change from not finding any joy, to CREATING joy - through changing your understanding of what 'joy' really is.

This is also an interesting color. There is this 'excitement' to it, yet at the same time also a 'dullness'. It's a 'cautious excitement'. Kind of like you're slowly, slowly, and in small ways, opening up that door a bit to be 'hopeful' and 'optimistic' and 'happy'. Very slowly and cautiously considering 'change'.

Like, the veil is not COMPLETELY and FULLY pulled over you. On quite deep and real levels inside yourself you are starting to lift it. Starting to consider that this veil is not all there is. You're still sort of knee-deep in the 'dullness', BUT there is definitely a 'spark' that is developing. Very deep. Like a flame that has been lit in the core of you. Which right now may be just a tiny little candle light, and only in its early stages. But there's no denying that it's there and that it will inevitably only grow bigger and bigger.

And this is on a very deep, beingness level. Something you may not yet be fully aware of. But it's like something has awoken something deep inside you, and that is going to have a ripple effect that is going to put you on a path to self-change. Because all it takes is just a 'seed'. Just one small part of you that is starting to 'wake up' to change the entirety of you. It's like a decision been made deep inside of you. A decision of 'change'. And it's such a simple decision. Such a seemingly small and insignificant point. But that's the power that one decision can have, especially ones made on that deep, beingness level.

Where in a way nothing can now keep you or get in your way to change, because the decision has been made. Nothing in your mind, no matter how big or how much it may sometimes seem to be, has the power to reverse this decision and to stop or reverse the process that you will be walking of self-change. In a way it's already done. There's no stopping what's been set in motion. So even though the 'excitement' is a 'cautious' one, at the same time it is ALL-PERMEATING. It's REAL.

So don't despair. You may not see it yet, and you may not feel like there is anything 'changing' within you or your life, but you know that deep down you have made that decision - to change. And all it takes to change is just that decision. So it's already happening, and you don't necessarily need to 'do' anything. There are deeper parts of you that are in motion and maybe all that's left for you to do, is to just connect with those deeper parts of you. Those parts of you that have the ability for great change, just through making a decision.

This is the color of 'avoidance'. Of avoiding to face the truths about yourself that are necessary to be faced. It's like you just don't want to hear it. You just don't want to see yourself. I mean, really SEE yourself. See the points about you where you KNOW you can change, and where you know that realistically you SHOULD change - because IF you saw these points about you, and faced yourself, there'd be no excuses. There'd be no reason to NOT change.

So it's like you are constantly 'looking away'. Just not to look directly at yourself. Cause there is a point of 'anger' there. An anger about 'not being seen'. Kind of like you're thinking "if I am not being seen or considered, then why should I take responsibility to change?!" In a way you are waiting for your environment to show you that they care for you, and that they see you and consider you. You are waiting to feel 'loved', or at least 'cared for'. Because you feel as though for most of your life, you haven't been. So now you kind of feel like "if they don't care about me, then why should I be motivated to put any real effort into anything? Who or what would I be doing it for? I don't see or feel any motivation inside me for anyone."

Because, your whole life you've in a way felt neglected. And so now you don't see any reason to care, if you've never been cared for. You feel sort of empty, and in a way you are waiting for your environment to prove to you that you are cared for, before you decide you will also start caring. So you're kind of sitting with your arms crossed, refusing to do anything that shows that you care, thinking that it's not up to you to make the first move. To take that initiative. That you need to feel motivated to start caring. 

And so, nothing ever changes, because you refuse to change. And because you wait for others to change, which also never happens. So you're accepting a kind of 'stuckness', based on a BELIEF that 'my environment needs to show me that it cares about me first, to make me feel good about myself so that I will WANT to care enough to change'. Instead of rather seeing and realizing that, although it would be ideal if your environment did care, it simply doesn't work that way.

Unfortunately in this world, 'care' is in very short supply. And we are rarely ever treated the way that we should be treated. In fact, mostly we end up being 'neglected' than truly 'cared for'. So, we HAVE to be the first one to take the initiative. To say that "I will care, despite nobody else caring". And that "I will be a living example of what it means to CARE". We have to be the ones to make care REAL, because it simply won't happen by itself.

So, despite the anger, and the neglect, as all the reasons why you 'should not care', at the end of the day you have to sort of realize that you are 'alone'. Alone to care for yourself and alone to give yourself all of the things you've been waiting for from your environment. Care, love, consideration, support, attention, warmth. And alone to give yourself the motivation to change and become a better person and become the best version of yourself you can be. Knowing and realizing that that motivation will never come from your environment. And yes that is unfortunate, and not how it should be, but it is how things are for now. And the only one who can change any of it, is you, through changing yourself and becoming a living example of what it truly means to CARE.